Unknown

               Some of you may wonder why the title of this is called Unknown. Honestly, I couldn’t find the right words for this. I’ve been so caught up with everything else around me, with work, and my book. I feel as if I have lost myself this past week. Losing my grandma, it’s messed with my head and my heart, and all of the other drama that has come with it. And when things start to mess with me badly, my mind goes a million miles per second, and it doesn’t stop. A lot of people have different ways to process their thoughts. Those ways are called outlets. Outlets are good to have so you don’t have everything build up at once, if that happens, you just want to scream and pull your hair out, and that feeling makes you feel overwhelmed.

              I’ve starred at this blank page for hours now, not knowing where to start. Or what to write because everything I want to say is hard to express in my writing today. I always have something to say, believe me, ask anyone who knows me, who really knows me. Right now, I feel so lost. I haven’t been this lost since my car accident. I thought writing my book would help me, it has but I still feel lost. Not being in a relationship for the longest time now, I feel alone, I feel unloved. And it’s not like I can’t get into a relationship and it’s not like I don’t want a relationship, I just feel, I feel lost. I don’t know how to find myself again.  I listen to music all the time, and it takes me out of this stage of loneliness, well, at times it does. And then there are the moments that music makes me miss having someone in my life. I know that I should feel fulfilled in life, and that you don’t need to be in a relationship to feel complete. Well, yes that’s true and it’s false. I mean if a person can go a long time without being in a relationship, and feel complete, and not seeking some kind of way well okay then.  And now I’m at that point in my life, I don’t need to be in a relationship, I want to be. Will it actually happen? Who knows. But I know I can’t keep feeling this way.

As Always XOXOXOXO NicoleHeart

In The Middle of A Memory

            It was an October night, when October is still new, the temperature is still warm outside, the perfect night for bonfires, a few drinks with some great friends. But, that’s not how this story goes. That’s not how you met this person who stepped into your life unexpectedly, flipped your world upside down and to just leave you in the middle of a memory.

            This very October night, you’re sitting at a table at Frickers, out of all places you meet this person who only temporarily would be in your life for only just a few short months. Because who am I kidding, romance like the novels I have read or the movies I have seen doesn’t exist. And it doesn’t come even close or compare to this. How you feel, from the very first time ever laying eyes on them, and they laid their eyes on you.

            Really, who would have known, you are sitting at this very spot with people around you. This person catches your attention by walking up to the very table you are sitting at. You looked at them and they looked at you and you think “Oh shit” you look down at the table and at that very moment knew that very second this person had sat down it was over for you. With those eyes of theirs, that for you wasn’t hard not to look at. That oh so smile of theirs the one you cant help but it gets to you and makes you blush.

            You think the entire time why did they have to sit down, why did you two have to meet that night, that very night in October a few years ago. You couldn’t even make eye contact with them until you finally had the courage to. Somehow, you did manage to work up the courage to talk to them, after that they already had you falling, falling for those eyes of theirs, that sweet sexy smile. And now, you are just in the middle of a memory, in the middle of a dance floor all alone, in the middle of that old school country song, they left you in the middle of a memory.

            Why did this happen? You ask yourself a million times in the last few years. You knew it was a dream and boy they had you fall in love with them. But you’re here in the middle of a memory and in the middle of that memory and in the middle of that damn dance floor and what could have been your song. You feel lost, not really sure what to do now. Words cant even describe how you feel.

As Always XOXOXO NicoleHeart

You and I

I saw your face pop up on my phone and a flood of memories washed over me. It seems like a lifetime ago that our love was new, when possibilities were endless and I thought we would be forever. Truthfully, I don’t even know anymore why we didn’t work out. Only that I’m happier now that I’ve ever been.

While I can’t remember why we fell apart, I’ll never forget the lessons I learned from the heartache of our breakup. I was forced to stand on my own again and find the courage to make my own path. It’s scary being alone when you haven’t been solo in so long, but I discovered it got a little easier every day and I grew a little stronger.

Sure, I had days when I was still sad and missing us, but I realized that I missed being part of a couple, not necessarily you. There was a reason why we didn’t make it, because I needed to find myself again after having lost myself in you for so long. It hurt for so long until one day, it just didn’t.

Now, that all seems like another life and my days are much different, much happier. I wish you all the best in whatever life path you choose and I hope all your dreams come true, but I’ll never be apart of either again. So, as I see your name pop up, I don’t have any desire to answer. I’m going to leave the past just where it is, in the past. It doesn’t have any place in my life and if I answered your call, it might just make me hurt again.

As I decline your call, a sigh of relief relaxes me and helps me realize that I’m doing just what I need to be doing. Leaving the past where it’s meant to stay so I can keep building a happy future today. This is my life and these are my choices. I didn’t lose you, I found myself. It was the best discovery I could have ever made.

As Always XOXOXO NicoleHeart

Beautifully Complicated

            The men look at her and tell themselves they want her. Imagining taming her fiery heart and wild spirit inspires them to chase her affection relentlessly. Until they realize that behind her soulful eyes lies unexpected depth and beautiful passion. Truth is, they all fancied themselves up to the task of winning her heart, thinking this beautiful woman was much like any other.

            Until they realized that she was nothing like the rest. They tried wooing her with expensive gifts and flashy places. Only to understand that she didn’t care for the material possessions of this world. She would trade a thousand diamonds for the chance to meet and connect with a deep soul and have a meaningful conversation. She wasn’t interested in what they could buy her, where they could take her or what gifts they could give her. She wanted to know who they were, what moved them and their reasons for being. Truthfully, this surprised  and shocked many, for they weren’t prepared to open themselves up, be present and share their vulnerability.

            Many couldn’t process what that meant and it scared them. But that’s who she was, what she valued and how she loved. She never settled, compromised or devalued herself for anyone else. Either accept her or her own terms or part as friends. She wouldn’t change who she was for anything, especially love. She knew true love would be the one that she could embrace herself fully and so would be.

            So, she wasn’t holding out for a hero, superhero or anything else unrealistic. She was content to live her life and enjoy it. But she’d love him when he would finally cross her path. And if it wasn’t her future, well, then she would make her own love story quite happily. So until then, the fiery woman would keep doing what she did best. Love hard, live passionately and enjoy her life. Every day in every way. She’ll always be strong, proud and free. And one more thing: They’d never call her lonely they would realize she was loving, and living her life the

A Song

What is a song to you? Is it the lyrics, or the music, or am I the only one who has a whole thought process when it comes to listening to a song or songs. I’ve never realized that I have a whole thought process for music. When it comes to my writing, I have to listen to music when I am writing, or I mean really what’s the point in writing anything when you don’t have any background noise?

              I listen to anything from the 80’s to music hits from today. I like to mix it up, what can I say, I’m odd. (and I am completely okay with that) and it also depends on what kind of mood I am in, currently I am jamming out to some Roxette, Fading like a flower. LOVE THAT SONG! And all of their songs mostly.

              A song can also come into play when you are thinking about someone. We all do it, it’s in our human nature, it’s our DNA and there isn’t anything wrong when a song comes on, and it makes you think about someone. A song can also play at the right time when you are upset about something it could be when you are heartbroken, or when you like someone and you feel they don’t like you. And when to them you are there just so they can pass the time until they move on to the next person. It sucks, it happens often, it's happened to me. It happens a lot more than you think. And a song comes on when you least expect it, it can be a good thing and it can be bad, who knows.

              Maybe I am just too wrapped in something that I never expected, and I need to be careful. People always say take a chance and you never know what could come of it. I have taken many chances, and it never played out. And that’s another reason I resort to my music. And theirs a lot more to music than just the sound. The lyrics. When you listen to a song, and it catches your attention, I know I do it all the time, but I listen to lyrics, like really listen to them. How the artist expresses their feelings in that song. It’s like with my writing, I express my feelings to everyone in what I write. I guess I can say music is the world to me, and without I would be so lost.

As Always XOXOXO NicoleHeart

Another Birthday to Remember

Another birthday is just around the corner, in one day to be exact. I always say each year on your birthday you become a year older and a year wiser. I always think back to when I was a kid, I had always looked forward to my birthday the thought of becoming a year older than I was before, my birthday party my mom would throw me. What kind of cake I wanted for my very special day. I felt like the whole day was dedicated to me, it was my special day. And now I realized the older you get most people do not get as excited for their birthday as they use to when we were all just kids.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still get excited for my birthday (not many do) but I dedicate my birthday as another year of being alive and I do a whole birthday week. Not every year I get the same exact birthday week as what’s planned in my mind, but a lot of times it comes close to what I want in a whole birthday week, call me crazy I really don’t think age has anything to do with wanting a whole week of celebrating the day you were born.

But birthday’s they do come, and they do go. Back to the whole feeling older and wiser, yes that’s true. To be honest I thought I was ready to turn 36, but I also thought I was ready to turn 35, to really rewind I wasn’t ready to turn 30. I thought it was the end of the world when I was turning 30. As time just kept creeping up on me when I was in my late 20s, I knew it was coming that I would be 30 years old and that I would have more time to live life to it’s fullest. And that brings me to the now. Happy almost 36th birthday to me. And Happy Birthday to anyone so far this year that has had a birthday or has an upcoming birthday.

As Always XOXOXO NicoleHeart

2022 In Rewind

I can’t believe 2022 is just about over and I honestly cannot think how to even explain 2022 in just one piece.

Let’s rewind when 2022 first hit us all. I was at a New Year’s Eve party with my shitty of an ex boyfriend. After that was all said and done I moved back home where I thought I was meant to be at. I guessed wrong. I moved to get another fresh start and I don’t know how many fresh starts anyone is allowed to have haha.

A great memory of 2022 I had quit working as a waitress to go back to fucking cleaning . Not sure why I always end up back to cleaning as my job. I’ve continued to be an amazing blogger/influencer. What can I say being a blogger/influencer has been such an amazing gift for me. I love being a blogger/influencer I have officially been running my own website for 4 years now. I love it what can I say? I don’t have to answer to anyone, I am my own boss and I set my own schedule.

And I have been surrounded by all my amazing fantastic fans and followers. You guys are so amazing I would be completely lost without any of you.

Another life mile stone/step in my life this past year in 2022 I had the best opportunity to participate in the 2022 country concert held in FT. Loramie Ohio. Where all the big country stars come to once a year in July to a 3 day event of great live country music. Close friends. Making new friends, making memories and having a fucking fantastic time. It was the 2022 country concert karaoke contest and I was able to pass the first round of the contest, going to the semi finals and the final round. Even though I didn’t win but it was still the best experience of my life .

To wrap up 2022, if any of you want to think about all the negative things that happened like I attempted to do, also think about the positive things that sort of made 2022 not a bad year to be in. We always have 2023 to make things right. I never really make a New Year’s resolution I don’t see the point in them but if you do, do your best to stick to it. I will see all you amazing fans and followers in 2023 with all brand new content and to start off the new year I will be writing and posting on here the official 80s Remix. I am looking forward to show off all my new work and content that’s coming in 2023.

As Always XOXOXOXO NicoleHeart

Cinderella’s Dead

I was nineteen in a white dress when you told me I’m your princess so I played right into your fantasy was a good girl so I’d sit tight. And if I don’t speak then we can’t fight looked in the mirror now I can’t believe I forgot I was a bad bitch. Tragic breaking all the rules ‘cause they were only habits. Cinderella”s dead now casket you thought the shoe fit but I forgot I was a bad bitch.

Now I’m blowing bubbles in my bath tub after six hours in the night club. Got my feet up put the TV on probably end up on a rooftop with some new girls and our shoes off might black out and text my mom (hello)

I forgot I was a bad bitch tragic. Breaking all the rules ‘cause they were only habits Cinderella’s dead now, casket. You thought the shoe fit but I forgot I was a bad bitch.

As Always XOXOXOXO NicoleHeart

Christmas

It’s that time of year once again. Christmas Eve. Another year has gone and passed us. If you are taking the time and reading this right now , you are probably in the middle of celebrating Christmas Eve with your loved ones, or you are working like I am 🤣 and freezing my little ass off in this cold weather. Or you are also like me and haven’t wrapped any Christmas presents and waited last minute.

Christmas is where family come together. (Most of the time) it’s the time to spread the love and Christmas cheer. This year I really haven’t been able to get into the Christmas spirit. I’m not sure why I haven’t been able to, or why I’m not in the Christmas spirit. Maybe it’s because 2022 has been the worst year. Stress, stressful relationships, relationships that ended badly, or just ended and wasn’t fixable. If anyone has ever watched The Grinch movie (the one with Jim Carrey) I truly seriously feel like as an adult now I have become the grinch and I low key understand the grinch compared to when I first watched The Grinch movie as a kid.

I honestly tried so hard this year to get into Christmas spirit. I didn’t feel like putting up the Christmas tree, or Christmas decorations. The only thing that stayed the same this Christmas holiday was last minute Christmas shopping and I haven’t even wrapped any Christmas presents and it’s Christmas Eve. (Even though I worked on Christmas Eve) (not the first time)

With Christmas being yesterday I still couldn’t get in the Christmas spirit . But now Christmas is over until next year maybe I will be in the Christmas spirit. Remember that Christmas is about family, Sharing and spreading the love

As Always XOXOXOXO NicoleHeart

Over You

It’s that time of year once again. Yes, it is officially the holiday season and you know what that means. A lot of different couples either ending their relationships, fighting, breaking up , even making up. Well where I am currently standing it’s more just of a breakup. No fixing it , no gluing it, stitching it , stapling it not a thing.

Really just something that has been beyond repair of fixing for quite some time, both of you thought that it was easy enough to maybe fix. One person slowly starts to fade away from this broken relationship and the other person trying to fix every last broken piece of what was left in your relationship. Let’s face reality once the trust is gone , once that love slips away their is not a thing left that can even try to fix it.

Also let’s face it, we so far know that close to winter, middle of winter either the relationship you have started with someone will make it or break it. And really let’s be honest a lot of them seem to break it when the holiday season is upon us. At least 90 percent of relationships that started last spring either have made it this far or that their relationship is beyond fixing and then you have the 10 percent who made the Final Cut which congratulations to those who actually made the cut and is still going strong with your still kind of new relationship.

As well all know I just love talking about love and relationships, the fucking hopeless romantic in me, the girl who wears her damn heart on her damn sleeve. At times I hate it. I wish that part of me could just turn it off. Who am I fucking kidding, I obviously can’t. With me turning almost 36 years old (yes I said 36) I am still finding myself, I am still that hopeless romantic, it’s a curse and the best damn thing ever at times I feel it’s more of a curse.

Lastly what I can say in the words of Chris Daughtry now that it’s all said and done I can’t believe that you were the one to build me up and tear me down like an old abandoned house. What you said when you left just left me cold and out of breath. I fell too far was way too deep guess I let you get the best of me. Well, I never saw it coming I should’ve started running a long, long time ago. And I thought I never doubt you I’m better without you more than you know I’m slowly getting closure I guess it’s really over I’m finally getting better and now I am picking up the pieces and spending all these years putting my heart back together because the day I thought I’d never get through I got over you.

As always XOXOXOXO NicoleHeart

Beautifully Shattered

Being a hopeless romantic my entire life with falling in love or getting my heart broken I have always known that I truly wear my heart on my sleeve. I know that may sound stupid. This time it is hitting me hard I can’t seem to figure out why after every heartbreak I never really had any “walls” up to be able to protect myself from letting myself fall in love again with someone new someone who isn’t an ex. When someone is in a relationship, we all (most) have these “walls” up to help protect us from heartbreak, from crying repeatedly, and from breaking into a million shattered pieces. My entire life I grew up in a household where love didn’t exist, I thought it did I thought my parents had loved each other but they didn’t. Somehow that unloved environment never followed me when I started to get older. I knew to always show emotion when you love someone. By loving my kids until my very last breath and beyond the grave. When I became a mom I showed my kids how to love and how to care about someone and that there was never any hate in the world (which I was wrong) but I think back now with my oldest about to be 17 years old and a senior in high school next school year my son who is 15 years old on his way to being 16 in a blink of an eye and my youngest how she will officially be a teenager in just 3 months. You always wonder if you raised your kids right, did you give them and show them enough love by giving them all the love you had?

              Being Beautifully Broken Beautifully Complicated has become harder and harder the older I get. At times I feel like I am Completely Shattered, when all the broken pieces have fallen to the ground, I find a way to pick each piece up to put them back together again once more. I guess the only way to express my feelings my thoughts has always been through my writing. I mean come on think about it how do you think so many authors get their books published every day? They write their books to express their feelings and their thoughts it has always been the only way to ever get through to anyone these days. I felt back then was simple, easier, and less complicated. My parents never taught me how to love, I was born to love, I was born to be a hopeless romantic always falling on my feet, never having any balance, and being the clumsiest girl you will ever meet. Sweet, caring, and strongly believes in soul mates.

              I have read thousands of novels about love, true love two people who are meant to be soul mates who are meant to fall madly in love with each other and to spend the rest of their lives together in love, and happiness, and both of them getting their happily ever after. Does a happily ever after exist you may ask? I strongly believe that when two people two souls are meant to be, they are truly meant to be with each other to spend each day together in love and happiness and they don’t care what anyone else thinks because they know the person, they love is standing right in front of them with arms wide open and not giving up so easily. Just remember when you meet that person who makes your entire day just by sending you a good morning text, or texts you during the day just tell you they love you and miss you and they can’t wait to have you back in their arms because they are incomplete without you. When you find that person, you know they are your person your everything even if in the middle of the day they call you just to hear your voice because they are fucking miss you so damn much it kills them not being there with you. Or when you are without them, at home all alone crying yourself to sleep because you don’t have them, they’re with you to hold you and tell you everything will be okay because you can’t help but have your heart on your sleeve and it feels like a curse because you love too easy you love too hard. Just to give it one more try a lullaby and turn this up on the radio if you can hear me now I’m reaching out to let you know that you’re not alone and if you can’t tell I’m scared as hell because I can’t get you on the telephone. Just close your eyes because here comes a lullaby your very own lullaby

              Let me take you out of the darkness and into the light because I have faith in you that you will make it through another night to stop thinking the easy way out, there’s no need to go and blow that candle out because you’re not done, you’re far too young and the best is yet to come. I know the feeling of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge and there is no healing from cutting yourself with a jagged edge, it’s never that bad take it from someone who’s been where you’re at laid out on that floor, and you are just not sure if you cant this anymore. I will leave everyone with those words.

As Always XOXOXO Nicole Heart

Simple Elegance

"You wanted her for how she made you feel things. How she took rise to your primal urges you didn't even know you had, or buried deep down.
You wanted her for how she turned and looked at you as she was sitting next to you, or as you were above her. Or behind. You wanted her for her strength and how strong willed she was. You wanted her for her rawness in every aspect....emotionally, sexually, physically. You wanted everything she had. Everything deep within. A part of herself she hardly gave to anyone.
And oh, how she wanted to give it to you. And she did. Over and over. Each time exploring more and more. Each time going to new heights, going farther with you more than anyone else. Going to extremes she didn't even know she had herself, but loved it. And she tested you. So reveled in goading you, getting a rise out of you. She wasn't about to just be the good girl and do what you wanted. What was the fun in that, in her eyes. At times, she wanted you to work for it. Have a little power over you. Not give in to you too quickly and easily. That's not saying she didn't want those same exact things too. She was just a complicated thing. Grinning as you got more and more pent up. The more aggravated and raw you became with her, the more she did it. She loved teasing you until you just couldn't take it. How you had the flogger in your hand, and she grabbed it mid air, pulled you closer to her, making you stop abruptly just to kiss your neck and then your lips. Making you forget just what you were doing, until you shake it off, and continue....as she grinned all the way having that moment of power. You were filled with such rageful animalistic desire and lust for her, that you took her again and again. Over the bed, over the table as she was tied to the legs, on the chair as you pulled her hair back and her legs were wrapped around your back. So yes, you wanted her. You wanted all of her. Her humor, her strength, her honesty, her childish little ways, her sexual cravings and desires, her sweet romantics, her submission, her understanding and being a confidante, her mind, her soul, her smile, and her love. You received it all. All of her. And you cherished it. She was on a pedestal no one can reach. And you were desperately in love with her. Deeply, madly truly. You needed the control, her submission. And she was a willing companion- giving it to you fully and openly. Exploring more and more on uncharted waters. Once those gates were opened, you loved and took every inch of her. As she just grinned."